Appleby 2021 Match Report
Anyone who knows me well will tell you I am the unluckiest person in the world. This is particularly apparent on the golf course, especially the putting greens, but permeates through the rest of my life making me the sad individual I undoubtedly am! However, there is one aspect of my life where I am blessed with outrageous good fortune, and yet again the weather for our (deferred) visit to Appleby was glorious sunshine and light winds....perfect conditions for golf. As Stuart Weston would confirm....some golf societies promise good weather, but there is only one that consistently delivers it!
As I say, the outing had been deferred from the previous Wednesday, which turned out to be a very astute decision as the barman informed us that on that day Appleby had experienced it's worst weather for many a long year! Due to the fact it was a rearranged game only 9 players turned up...a pity for those who couldn't make it as it was such a lovely day on a course in excellent condition.
All year I have been asking for volunteers to do these reports with very little response, so you can all share the blame for having to read the drivel that follows.....
We played 10 holes in the morning. Lots of decent scores in ... maybe 3 x 21 pointers (who cares), but Stevie Ireland scooped the £4.50 on offer to the winner with a score of 22 to record what is at least his third morning victory of the season. The most notable thing about the morning 10 was that on the long trek back to the clubhouse through the bleak desolate moorland hospitable only to sheep, we met a young lady taking pictures of her car. Mel promptly attempted to purchase this car off her. This was probably because the course was overrun by lots of rams with extremely large testicles and this had prompted Mel and Steve to have an argument about who had the biggest British Aerospace pension. Apparently, Mel had decided to use a small portion of his to buy this car so he didn't have to travel home with his erstwhile buddy! I don't know who is Billy Big Balls on the pension front, but can happily report the lads made up and travelled home together.
Unusually, no additional players turned up for the afternoon round, which was a great relief to Marky T, as it was the only thing that stopped him finishing tenth or worse!
The first threeball out consisted of Frank, Melvin and Paul. Frank, who spends his life playing poker in front of a computer screen, was feeling the pace of keeping up with some of us slightly fitter individuals, and had hired a buggy for the afternoon. The best word to describe this threesome is unprintable, but the politest word would be SLOW ! Omens weren't good when Paul put his opening tee shot nearer the first green at Windermere than the first green at Appleby. Later, stood on the 17th tee behind them Stevie, if he could have got his lighter to work, would have surely smoked 3 cigarettes, as the hapless 3 individuals in front attempted to set a new world record for time taken to play a par 3. However, they managed to finish the course before darkness fell, and this very methodical way of playing seemed to work as they turned in 3 very respectable scores. Paul had 34 and Frank and Mel both had 37. Bad news for the rest of us as overall leader Mel had improved his discard by an impressive 5 shots.
Next threesome out was myself, Steve and Pete which would seem as good an opportunity as any to tell you about Jimmy Clayton.
Jimmy is a bully! There are 6 of us involved in a group at Fleetwood and Jimmy has set up a league. I'm not sure how this league works, but it involves each of the rest of us paying Jimmy a fiver after every 10 games we play, despite all the money he has won off us during the course of those 10 games! Jimmy has never liked me. You will notice that all Jimmy's close friends .... people like Geoffrey, Paul, Pete Williams, Glenn and 2 or 3 others... are lacking in stature. Apparently, when they all go out together, Jimmy dresses up as Snow White and makes them all carry shovels! (At 5' 8" Glenn is borderline, but I've never written a report without having a pop at him, and I don't intend to start now!).
Anyway, Jimmy was delighted when I booked Appleby as he knows there is a particular hole I have a problem with the drive on the fifth hole has 130 yard carry over a ravine and the far side of this ravine is about 30 feet higher than the tee. As Jimmy knows the apex of my best drives would be just about enough to scalp his little mates if they were stood right in front of me, and he has been reminding me of this drive I had to face every week for the 6 months since I booked the course. Playing with Jimmy in the morning my drive soared majestically over the far side, clearing it by a comfortable 3 inches, leaving me full of hope for the afternoon. As Jimmy was playing directly behind us in the afternoon, I confidently invited him to watch my tee shot on the fifth. I'd like to say I was unlucky not to clear the ravine, but, unfortunately, I can't. Both of my tee shots thudded halfway up the bank on the far side of that desperate hellhole ! Next time we play here the tournament will be over 17 holes, although players are welcome to use the fifth as a practice hole!
An otherwise comparatively uneventful front 9 in our threesome was followed by a very unusual occurrence on the short par 4 12th. I walked off the green shell-shocked as, despite getting a par for 2 points, I realised I'd lost 3 points to Steve who had driven the green and promptly holed his eagle putt for a very rare 5 pointer. Whilst there have been a handful of 5 pointers over the 15 years of the society, most of them have been by Micky Mouse players off Micky Mouse handicaps i.e people who've had 2 shots on the hole ( Warren will know who I'm talking about ), and on only one previous occasion in the history of the society has a player scored a 5 pointer with only one shot on the hole (modesty prevents me saying who). So well done to Steve, and the 3 scores in our group were Steve 39, myself 33 and Pete 28.
Could anyone in the last group beat this score. No! Marky T secured a top 9 finish with his 26 points. Jimmy, who nowadays struggles on long courses like the white course at Fleetwood, was licking his lips about playing this par 5 free 5600 yard course but could only manage 33 points, whilst his little mate, Geoffrey scored a respectable 32.
An excellent win for Steve with a good score (as well as joining the select club of same day morning and afternoon winners), and 2nd place on countback for Franky, with plenty of other decent scores. Well done to all, but I can almost hear the handicapper's axe being sharpened! And here are the results :-
Steve Ireland 21 to 19
Frank Healey 15 to 14
Mel Johnson 17 to 16
Pete Whiteside 15 to 16
Mark Thomas 18 to 19
Only one 'nearest the pin' on the day .... the 167 yard steep downhill fourth. At lunchtime the locals informed us that the best way to play this hole is to hit a pitching wedge and let it run downhill to the green. It always helps to have local knowledge. Geoffrey Moyle was 70 last week, and I'm not sure he heard this piece of sage advice. I'm also not sure if, at his age, he remembers different holes sometimes have different pars.... Anyway, Geoffrey took his driver out of his bag, smote it mightily and promptly pocketed the tenner on offer for nearest the pin. Well done Geoffrey, but unfortunately your so-called mate, Jimmy, is already plotting how to take it off you next week.
The action comes thick and fast, as we reconvene in just 4 days time, (Wednesday 11th August) at Rossendale. Be there or be square!
Mike
