Chorley 2022 Match Report
If you don't read any of the rest of this report, at least read the last sentence !
Around about 3th September 1965 Burn Naze infant school opened it's doors to a new intake of happy, innocent 4 and 5 year olds...By the 4th September 1965 they were probably wishing they hadn't !
In amongst that innocent, wide-eyed throng lurked a young Melvin Roger Johnson !
Burn Naze infants had a wide and varied curriculum and Melvin learnt how to weigh a fish and what colours constitute the innards of an egg. They even taught him a little bit about ornithology ! Unfortunately, they didn't teach him anything else, and these subjects remain Mel's sole topics of conversation to this day ! If he ever approaches you wishing to discuss any of these subjects, I strongly suggest you give him a very wide berth !
Remaining on the subject of ornithology, I was watching Springwatch the other day. Much of Springwatch is, in fact, ornithologically based, but on this occasion Michaela Strachan and Chris Packham were discussing a caterpillar. Now unlike most caterpillars, this particular one is brightly coloured and has no camouflage, and Chris explained that to protect itself it curls it's tail over it's head and squirts a noxious substance into any prospective predator's face. Upon hearing this Michaela exclaimed..." I hope you won't be squirting anything in my face tonight, Chris ! " To my eternal regret I didn't see the next episode to find out what, in fact, Chris and Michaela did get up to that night.
Onto golf....
Some golf societies promise good weather....others etc.,etc.,etc.
As usual The Parrot's arrived at Chorley golf course in blistering sunshine for what is already our seventh outing of the season.
Ever increasing in popularity, there appeared to be 25 people wishing to attend, but only 24 places available. With most courses, I could just book an extra tee-time, but that is not the case with Chorley, where I had to turn 5 people around in transit last year as there wasn't room for them to play. I book the courses in Jan or Feb and this year and have booked 6 tee-times for all afternoon rounds. I have been sending emails out, to gauge availability, and tend to let courses know a week in advance my best estimate of the likely numbers .I don't book more than 6 tee times, because some courses give me hassle over cancellations and 24 places is usually more than enough. My advice to you is to respond to my emails, as the fairest solution when we're short of tee times is to take the first 24 responders.
As it turned out there were 3 late withdrawals leaving us with 22 players on the day. I won't mention who was down for the cull, due to the Data Protection Act, but for the afternoon round three of you were joined by a foxily flamboyant, formidable, feisty, former firefighter from Fleetwood who might not otherwise have been there.
Interestingly, of the attendees, 13.637 % were called Steve whilst 0% were called Glenn. I use the term 'interestingly' very loosely !
Ten players turned up for the morning round, only to put on an exhibition of overwhelming mediocrity ! In joint second with 16 points were myself, who couldn't hit the ball 100 yards off the tee and Gareth who was receiving 2 shots off me and playing 5 times better. Go figure ! However, in first place with 17 points, was Steve Livesey, who has only recently joined the Society, but tends to use it as you or I would use a cashpoint. Every time he's played he's been in the money !
Twelve others joined us for the afternoon round making up the aforementioned 22.
Now if 13.637 % of the players are called Steve, by my reckoning that only gives players called Andy a 97% chance of winning a nearest the pin ! The sight of a bewildered looking Andy Nurse sat forlornly outside the clubhouse at the end of the day proved this not to be the case !
The third hole ntp was won by one of the 13.637%. Data Protection again prevents me from giving you his full name, but I can tell you it was a Fine shot !
The other ntp was the sixteenth. Jimmy Clayton, who chose a par 3 at West Derby where no-one knew the yardage, took great exception to this for reasons best known to himself, but the prize was won by an even more bizarre character who seems to think fish can weigh themselves.
Scoring for the afternoon boded well with the first group out Trevor, Pete W and Tony scoring 30,32 and 36 respectively. Tony is showing some improved form this year, and, as The Race To Bentham intensifies, is showing himself to be a likely contender !
Group 2 had Luke scoring 29, a delusional Jimmy telling me how well he'd played for 27(!) and a Fine score from Paul of 35.
Group 3 featured barely adequate scores from Bill, Pete C. and Derek, but an excellent 37 from a returning from injury Stevie Ireland.
Three scores in the twenties in group 4 from Alan, Steve F and Geoffrey, but the ever-consistent Andy, despite remaining cashless on the par 3's, had an excellent 37 points to open up a clear lead in the overall table and an almost guaranteed place in the final 4 at Bentham !
Skipping group 5 for a moment ...in group 6, three more scores in the twenties from new boy Steve Ingham, Frank and Matt were eclipsed by Cashpoint Stevie's 37. Steve's 23 point back nine assured him yet more cash for finishing second on countback for the afternoon.
Group 5 comprised myself, Warren, Gareth and a bloke who thinks an owel is the same as an owl !
Tony Robinson loves me to give a hole by hole report of my round, but on this occasion I have to say sorry, mate there's not much to say. My driving woes continued and my score of 31 was probably more than I deserved. Warren scored 31 also.....if he could have eliminated his '3 off the tees' it would have been much nearer 41, and Mel showed glimpses of his 2021 title-winning form to score 32. That leaves only Gareth. Poor Gareth has been in the very depths of the golfing doldrums for two years, but is now back with a vengeance ! He had a lucky win at Heysham with 40 points, where the bloke he beat on countback collapsed after having 37 points after 14 holes, but at Chorley he was in dominant form ! His 22 points going out was bettered by his 23 coming back to give him a massive 45 points and a mammoth 8 point margin over the whole field ! Wow!
Handicap Changes :-
Frank Healey 12 to 13
Gareth Lunn 17 to 14 (includes -0.25 ESR)
Derek Abrahams 15 to 16
Tony Robinson 19 to 18
Steve Ireland 19 to 18
Steve Livesey 24 to 23
Steve Ingham 25 to 26
Matt Murphy 27 to 28
Unfortunately, the day ended on a sad personal note for me. During my Presentation Speech Peter Corsby, forgetting Parrot's etiquette entirely, decided to point out a mathematical error I had made during the speech. I have to say I can live with only scoring 31 points at golf, but this completely poleaxed me. I have now booked a course in adult numeracy in time for Whitefield.
Talking of Whitefield....we reconvene there a week on THURSDAY (7/7). Please let me know by this Wednesday(29/6)if you are coming and if you intend to play 18 or 28 ?
Thanks,
Mike
