Heysham 2020 Match Report

Last Thursday was the Parrots trip to Heysham, hard on the heels of the weekend away at Hawkstone Park. Which may account for the smaller field on the day (14 players today), despite some Mediterranean weather. It was mostly sunny and increasingly HOT! HOT! HOT! as the day went on.

Normally we play Heysham as our traditional first outing of the year in late April, when the course is damper and the greens may have been recently tined and/or sanded in preparation for the season ahead. So, many of us were looking forward to playing it when the greens would be at their slickest summer best. Best laid plans! Obviously, Coronavirus had played havoc with the greenkeepers assessment of the seasons at Heysham, because the greens were damp (owing to recent thunderstorm rain), uncut, and had just been tined and sanded ……. What a massive disappointment. But it was the same for all, so on with the action.

 After successfully navigating the clubhouse one way system, aimed at avoiding close contact with other people for that 2 seconds it takes to pass through a doorway  (which nobody from the club seemed to be following) we made it to the first tee.

Despite the condition of the greens (it’s a good job Jimmy Clayton isn’t writing this, or you wouldn’t have heard the last of it!) the morning scores were remarkably decent. Only four scores under 14pts with an 18 pointer in each of the four groups. These were David Baird, Tony ‘Robbo’ Robinson, Mike Lovell and Steve Ireland. But, in the absence of past morning specialists Tony Johnson and Phil Matthews, someone has to fill the gap, and currently it’s former Sergeant Major  Pete Whiteside, who went round the front nine holes for 20pts! Well done Pete! Now, all too often, a handicap secretary’s life is not a happy one, and both Pete and Mike were to cause this handicap secretary a big headache today with their feats on the golf course. More later.

It was time for lunch, and having now realised  that no-one was actually using the clubhouse one-way system, lunch outside on the new terrace was had without the need for a 300 yard detour around the car-park to get to the bar (which wasn’t a bar, it was a mini-bar, because the real bar was shut today. But it was only a mini-bar for non-alcoholic drinks, as alcoholic drinks could not be bought until 12pm and it was only 11.15. Are you keeping up?!) Do we all agree that Mike should quiz the clubs a little bit more on the exact nature of the provision of their food and drink services in future?!

Anyhow, having safety secured Frank a slot in a four-ball during the draw, it was on to the afternoon’s play. Playing in the second group out, Pete and Mike both had statistical nightmares for the handicap secretary in the afternoon. Pete (having WON the morning, remember) had 29pts, the highest points you can get and get a handicap increase, which pushed him up just enough to get a shot back. Oh no!! Worse still, Mike scored a creditable 35pts, which was good enough for third place.

Obviously the greens were made for him, unpredictably bobbly and slow, it seems all his offline putts bobbled back into the hole! However, 35pts is the most you can score, and third place is the highest position you can be, and not get a handicap reduction. Oh no!! So, sorry folks, but sometimes the golfing stars just align to make these anomalous outcomes reality ….. so no complaints please!!