2018 Knott End Match Report
Some golf societies promise good weather, others just deliver it ! This has always been the motto of The Parrot's Golf Society, and, as you will all acknowledge, I have never let you down on this promise. Now, however, my reputation lies in tatters thanks to one man....John Patterson. I had booked Rossendale for the society to play on 18th July which, of course, was a day of dawn to dusk sunshine, but The Angry Irishman had met a Very Perturbed Englishman who said he had recently played Rossendale, and it was in the worst condition of any course he had ever played in his life ! Armed with this information, John persuaded me to change the venue which I duly did.The venue now became Knott End which, by force of circumstance, we had to play 2 days later....
Twelve of us duly turned up at a dark, damp dismal Knott End golf course on Friday 20th, with the promise of torrential rain due to arrive in the afternoon. The only sensible thing to do was to forget the normal 27 holes we play, and just play 18 in the morning when we had at least a chance of staying dry. The problem is middle-aged men DO NOT LIKE CHANGE !!! If it says 27 holes on the fixture list , we MUST play 27 holes. Over the years, I have learnt how to deal with this. The key is to offer a proposal that they'll all really hate before offering the real proposal which they'll all be so relieved to hear they'll agree to it! So after suggesting cancellation until another day, which was loudly shouted down, I then proposed that we just play 18 so we would be finished before the torrential rain arrived. This suggestion was met with all round approval. Happy days ! Thank Heaven King of Dogma Jimmy Clayton wasn't there ....I'd never have got away with it ! Jimmy was in fact playing that day...he dragged 3 of his mates round Fleetwood in the aforementioned torrential afternoon rain. Another notable absentee on the day was Mel. Is it just me, or does the world always seem a better place when you don't have to listen to Mel's jokes ?
Anyway, onto the day's golf.....but just before I do, I have to single out John Patterson for a little more criticism. Despite playing with Simon Gledhill for years, it transpires he has never told him about the time I stood on the 16th tee at Knott End 1 under par, gross, and proceeded to hit a perfect drive only to have my ball stolen by an itinerant Scouser who happened to be wandering up the third! In the unlikely event there is anyone else reading this who doesn't know the story the result was I ended up with a 72.
I know the only time the rest of you will see the number 72 on a card is the birthday after your 71st, but I should have actually had a 68, and, as you can probably tell my golf, not to mention my life, has never been the same since.
Back to the golf....One player, who shall remain nameless, posted a 98... 26 shots worse than his best for a paltry 21 points, but many of the rest recorded commendable scores in the mid thirties or better. Two 34's were achieved in my group by T.J. and Simon. In the following group J.P. and Tom both scored 35. Newcomer Tom will no doubt be surprised to find that under Glenn's handicapping system he has been deducted a shot after finishing joint fourth of 12 players ! Alone in third on 36, scoring 18 going out and the same coming back was a resurgent Trevor, but ahead of him 2 men were tied together on 38 forcing the dreaded countback to come into operation. If I tell you the names of these 2 players were Geoffrey Moyle and Gareth Lunn, most of you will realise the inevitable outcome of this ridiculously unfair scenario. Geoffrey, like me, knows he has more chance of becoming Supreme Champion at Crufts than winning a countback victory on the golf course, so it was a far from forlorn feisty former firefighter who was happy to accept second place. Congratulations to Gareth, who recorded his second victory in three outings and is now forging clear with J.P. in the overall league table.
Our next game is at Whitefield on Wednesday 1st August. I would recommend most of you not to bother, as the course will be too tough for you. In all our visits there only one player has ever played better than his handicap, but modesty prevents me from telling you who that was. For those of you brave enough....see you there.
